Hire Me

Hello, I am a creative individual who loves deadlines, challenges, and saying things of questionable honesty to get my foot in the door to your company. I am a very hard worker and gifted writer who is not above working for food and/or a luxurious cardboard box to live in (preferably with a glossy coating to better water proof it).

I studied dominantly social sciences and creative writing at the finest of state universities, and I believe that these two fields of study get together, light a candle, and make a lovely writing baby. My love of flash fiction (six word stories and the like) is like that baby's super cool mentor, or the wise janitor in 80's movies, it nurtures that baby to win the big writing football game sport or some other, more appropriate metaphor for my skill in this field.

Further evidence of how good I am at writing things can come from my famed ability to name a great manner of complex things in such a way that it's name succinctly describes it and makes it memorable. I was once working with a strange product, one of those things that has always been around, but no one really notices. It was a product everyone needed, or at least should have, but it lacked a certain marketing pizzazz to really push it into everyone's collective want. 

This product's main competitor was this a very mismarketed bodywash with a cooling effect called Sweat. Clever name right? They were definitely thinking things through on that one. In order to establish my product's dominance, I first proposed that it be marketed as a much more multipurpose product than a simple cleaner with a cooling sensation. I wanted this stuff everywhere, but it needed a name and a bad name can destroy an adequate product (like Sweat) and we needed this name to piggy-back on the minor notoriety of Sweat, but differentiate it as a much better, more refreshing product. 

First I looked at the name, Sweat. It was obviously caked in an air of negative connotations, so we had to branch off. Because it was the first letter of the name, the first seen, heard, and spoken, we decided to ax the 'S' entirely. We wanted no associations with the onomatopoeic sizzle sound from that snakey little letter. Weat obviously would not have worked as it looks like it could be pronounced like "Wheat" or "We At". People will not say a product by name is they do not know how to pronounce it for fear of looking stupid, so a name of product no one wants to say loses all word of mouth advertising.

Next we thought calling "Wet" would work. It described the product, it had pleasant connotations, was easily read, and obviously pronounced. The other issue with that name was that it rhymed with the competition; we wanted to cash on their nostalgia, but not be an obvious reference. To bring home this game, I made the decision to swap the 'E' that made it rhyme and describe with a softer 'A". I knew this sound would make it seem mellower, more utilitarian, than Sweat with its hard vowel sounds. The last thing I decided for the name was to add the -er suffix to it; I wanted to really sell that it was better than, that is more than, it's competitor, and I knew that everyone would unconsciously understand the two were linked, but that mine was better. 

It was because of my decisions, that everyone wants "Water" and no one wants "Sweat". It's because of me that this product saturates well over seventy percent of the world.

Some of my other experience with product names, slogans, and etc include: automobile (the name came to me in a fever dream; it had to have a sound similar to "bicycle" for the transport allusion, reference its owner, Tom and his mafia affiliations, with a dash of the European 'au' for some french grace.); onion...I named those too. 

I would also like to take the time to differentiate myself from the swarms of other applicants. I, like many individuals right now, am desperately seeking employment so that I may discontinue my subscription to Parent’s Basement Quarterly. Unlike the rest of your applicants, my fun loving attitude serves mostly as a way to make my brutal work ethic more palatable; I am serious in my work, but try to make everything fun. Also, and most importantly, I am pretty jacked and therefore willing to fight any of your current employees or other applicants to the death for your amusement and a position.

I like to write. I also like money and being able put food inside my tummy. One day I hope to be successful enough as a writer to be able to afford a cocaine addiction that will let me rise out of my own ashes like a Joaquin Phoenix and recapture all the hearts and minds of the people who had forgotten me with my harrowing tale of redemption. As an employer, you have access to money that you can give me in return for me giving you the news in a funny, satirical way. So it’s almost like our needs and capabilities are complimentary.

               

Thank you,

Hayden R. Carroll

Also because I am not above doing this: Satire SEO Agency Masters Phd Degree Political Science TheOnion The Daily Show Writing Research Optimization Handsome 6 Years Bard Fordham Journalism Local Experienced