Mark Hill recently wrote a really interesting article on Cracked
called 5 Facts Everyone Gets Wrong About
Depression. This inspired me to write something similar (steal the
concept entirely) about my good ol' pal Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was
diagnosed with this wee little quirk when I was eight years old and spent the
following eight years in therapy and being medicated for it, so I am about to
present a lot of anecdotal arguments and points about it. Normally, I would
mock anecdotal anything because it, by nature, is not factual, but this is my
article and I am special. I do however, plan on throwing in enough actual
science to make myself look more intelligent.
What I am trying to say is that the term “OCD” gets thrown around
a lot, and few people seem to understand what it really is, so allow me a
moment to mash some information through your lookin’ holes into your cerebral
cortex.
1. Statistically, You Do
Not Have It
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Pictured: Not You
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A lot of people throw around the phrase, "I'm a little OCD
about x." Well, shut up. No you're not, you dirty liar. According to this
guy I know, Ricky Science, OCD affects 1% of the population. What this means is that for
every 1000 people who read this article, I am only wrong about this number for
ten of you, and because I am me, I am still somehow not wrong about those ten.
Boom! You have been cured by my pathological narcissism. I will accept
donations in money or womanly favors for my prowess in medicine. You are
welcome.
Here are some other
things that I would like to point out to emphasize how small of a percentage of
the population obsessive compulsive disorder is. According to the CDC 16% of you have genital herpes and according
to this, 98% of the US has
HSV-1 (typically referred, but not limited, to as oral herpes). So chances are
you’ve got the herp either on your face or on your junk. I don't know if
I am making this clear, but it is far more likely that you have an incurable,
sexually transmitted disease and are completely unaware of it, than it is that
you have OCD.
I know what you're
thinking, "Hayden, you delicious looking beast, I am obviously that one in
one hundred. I totally have a mild case of OCD; I NEED my desk to be cleaned
and organized a certain way and make sure it always is so. Also, I totes don't
have herpes.
Well guess what,
fictitious person of questionable gender lying about herpes...
2. There is No
"Mild" or "a Little" OCD.
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Is likely as
Slender Man making out with Bigfoot
and half is sensual
|
I will admit that there
are varying degrees of severity. Some people have it worse than others.
Sometimes it can disappear. I’ll have months with minimal issue, but during
stressful moments my OCD flares out of control, but at no point would it ever
be "mild" or "a little". Some people have better coping
skills. Some people have less overt compulsions. But… big, huge, but here… if
you have always thought of yourself as “having a little OCD” then you don’t.
I’m sure I’ll get flamed for saying that, but the thing is, there are clear
criteria for being diagnosed with OCD; if you do not meet enough of those
criteria, then what you have is not that. I’m not trying to be bitchy or
pedantic. If you like your stuff alphabetized or your desk arranged with
everything perfectly symmetrical or some other formation, how much time do you
spend making sure it is that way? How many times do you arrange it? Does it
have to be a specific number of times? How specific does it have to be?
If you said "I
don't know" or "I fix it whenever it is incorrect" then stand
aside, novice, lemme 'splain you something.
In order to be diagnosed
with obsessive compulsive disorder you have to spend more than one hour a day performing
your compulsions. So if someone bumps into your desk and moves your pencil or
dildo out of its position and you immediately correct it and are done, chances
are you spend about 30 seconds doing that. Not over an hour. Chances are you
also do not have to keep repeating this task and making absolutely positive
everything is where it must be. If one of my obsessions was that my books
needed to be alphabetized, I would check it a set number of times every
time I felt the need to do so, or whenever I entered the room that they were
in. Even if I knew no one had entered and nothing had changed. That's kind of a
big deal.
If you use hand
sanitizer or make sure your hands are washed every time they are dirty, congratulations.
You are clean. If you have to do it 30 or 40 times for them to feel clean
enough for the thought endlessly fisting anxiety into your dome to stop, you
probably have OCD.
When I'm in the throes of OCD I have to wash my hands exactly 50
times for them to be clean. If I lose count, I have to start again. If I lose
count twice, I have to do it two more times because the number three is a
"bad" number.
If you wash your hands
when they are dirty or when you touch something common sense dictates is dirty,
chances are they look like this:
Paws still
masturbation friendly
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If you wash your hands
whenever they feel dirty, wash them 50 times, and/or whenever you have a
thought that triggers the compulsion (an "intrusive" thought), the
can pretty quickly look like this:
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Kinda looks more
like store brand frozen pizza
than something
you'd touch your junk with
|
Now, believe it or not,
that's not that bad. When I was nine or ten my family was staying with another
that happened to have a new born baby. I knew that infants had weaker immune
systems so I was absolutely petrified that some germ on my body was potent enough
to kill said infant. So every time I touched myself (he he he) anywhere,
including one hand touching the other. I had to wash my hands exactly 50 times
to make certain they were clean enough to exist in the same house as an infant.
After the one week stay, the skin on my hands was so brittle that I could not
move without it splitting and bleeding.
Now outside of the
specific rituals, the actual compulsions involved in OCD, there is a difference
in the nature of the trigger, because...
3. There is a Difference between Wanting Something a Certain Way, and Being "OCD: About it.
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This bastard
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When one usually hears
someone say that they're "a little OCD' about something, a lot of times
the earlier mention desk situation, or something similar to it, is the
"something" they are referring to. It is usually along the lines of
their books having to be organized alphabetically, they like to use
hand-sanitizer often, or they like the stuff on their desks neatly positioned
in a certain way. These are all things called "likes" and
"personal preferences". Many people are bothered when things are not
the way they like them. That is kinda how life works; things you don't like
bother you. That is why you do not like them. Everyone likes things to be the
way they like things and they do not care about the things they don't. So if
you, for some reason, care about how your collection of first edition copies)
of "Balloon Penis Investment Banking Quarterly" are arranged, it
makes perfect sense as to why you would be annoyed if someone caused them to be
out of order. This is normal people stuff; everybody cherishes their
arrangement of the tri-monthly "B.P.I.B." Alphabetizing a collection
makes sense; it is a reasonable preference and is an understandable thing to
want. Washing your hands more frequently because you're around an infant also
makes sense. Fixing and cleaning things that need both is totally reasonable.
When you have OCD, the
trigger is not reasonable, it is not something along the lines of "they
messed it up, I have to fix it or it will annoy me", it is more along the
lines of "if I don't make sure all the chairs in my home are precisely
parallel to their opposing chairs, someone will date-rape my future
daughter".
It's thoughts like that
that trigger the need to fix or clean. It is not because something not being
the way you prefer it, bugs you. It is because something terrible will happen
if you do not fix it, and the thought does not go away until you make sure
whatever it is, is the way it has to be. That “has” is the key word. Then you
have to make certain you did that correctly.
This is mental monkey
wrench that twists your shit all kinds of up. Eventually you develop rituals to
make certain the rituals were carried out completely. This is how you wind up
with a "wash your hands 50 times" situation. It starts off with
something inane and juvenile like being mad at a parent or significant other
and thinking "I wish she would get out of my life".
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Pictured: Juvenile
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But then you start to
feel scared and guilty, like what if they die because you thought this. Now you
can't stop thinking about it. Washing your hands would make you feel better
because that thought was dirty, and if you wash your hands that thought will go
away and they won't die. What if you don't wash your hands right though?
Each time you go through
this ritual you have to wash your hands more and more to make sure you washed
your hands right and your significant other or parent will not die because you
had a "bad thought" and didn't cleanse it. So the number keeps going
up until you do it enough times to make the thought and the fear and the
anxiety it carries go away. Eventually the number will reach high enough that
you will "compromise" on a "safe" number like 50.
That's the difference
between having a preference for something being a certain way, for cleanliness,
and actually being obsessive compulsive.
But that makes no sense,
can't you just realize it's irrational and just not do it?
Guess what, person I
made up and am beginning to dislike due to your judgmental questions.
4. You are Entirely
Aware That Holds No Logic.
But that does not matter
at all. Someone, who I cannot remember, but would love to give credit to
because I am a prick, not a thief, once described using logic against your
obsessions and compulsions like having an argument with a toddler.
A cop toddler... on
a power trip. He's above the law
and under the age
to drive. (Note to self: tell Disney about this idea)
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Think about trying to
use reason and logic in an argument with, or against the demands of, a toddler.
How far is that going to get you when he is threatening to take you to jail or
hold his breath or something if you don't let him have chocolate milk? Imagine
he is screaming and you are in public. You know damn well he does not deserve
the chocolate milk with this behavior. You know you're all Tony Danza and the
boss in this bitch. Logically, you have all of the power here.
But, he is super loud,
he will not stop, and that chocolate milk will make it all go away.
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Just a sweet taste
of that good brown stuff
Makes all your pain
go away.
|
How long before you just
give him the fucking chocolate milk?
Now imagine that this
made up toddler is you. This is an argument you are having with your own brain.
Your brain that knows full well all of the ways you will try and rationalize
and logic your way out of giving in to it. It also never has to stop sending that
thought because it has no tears to run dry, no voice to tire, and no tiny fists
to grow too sore for the tantrum to cease. How do you win?
You do the ritual. You
are now under the control of the lizard/baby/peckerhead part of your brain. You
have become your own bitch.
But there's hope...
5. You Can Overcome it.
If you're a liar.
It's like an addiction
where you produce, use, cultivate, and abuse the drug in your own body. You're
never, ever going to win.
 |
Climb a wall of
dicks
|
Best case scenario, you
become Pure O. This is when you still have all of
the intrusive thoughts. All of them. But you either have learned to ignore
them, like the shitty little toddler they are, or you only perform mental
rituals that are not outwardly manifested and cannot be seen (like beating that
toddler with a rubber hose behind a shed: no marks).
You learn ways to deal
with it. Meds can make it easier to do. Therapy can teach you ways to do it.
But this is something in your brain that you cannot control. The intrusive
thought, the needling lack of logic, the obsession, the anxiety, they do not
yield, but you can get better at ignoring it. It's like not wanting to smoke or
drink or shoot or snort if you're an addict; it's never going to happen, but
saying no gets easier.
I have been on meds and
in and out of therapy for my obsessive compulsive disorder for more of my life
than I haven't been. I am now Pure O about most things. I do not spend ~4 hours
completing rituals like I used to, but every time I see a doorknob, I want to
make sure it's locked five times. Whenever I have a "bad
thought" I want to wash my hands. I want to check every pre-packaged food
thing for poison by rubbing my hands over each side of the thing 25 times.
Sometimes when I'm really worn or stressed I find myself regressing. Sometimes
I don't have the obsession.
A lot of the times I do.
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